Because Wolverines are Way Cool

Today I thought I'd write about wolverines.

The Wolverine, Also Known As, Anything He Wants

I know nothing about wolverines save that when I signed online this evening, a headline cried out to me "Forest Service Eager to Study Wolverine." And, um, there was that cartoon dude with all the superhero-types?

Thanks to the wonders of google, I now know that wolverines are brown, most of the time. I know that I'm probably going to stay away from wolverines as much as possible from here on out because if a wolverine can kill a Caribou, my ass would certainly be grass. Especially since humans are the wolverines primary enemy. And, in case your were wondering, a hungry wolverine would not hesitate to eat your foot.

Some people, and I'm not naming any names, think that wolverines are superfly and that they have magical powers. Pshaw! That's what I have to say to that. If wolverines are so magical, why aren't they able to fly?

I should warn you that it's wolverine courtship time. The lights are down: the sweet wolverine loving is about to begin. Don't worry though, because even though he's single most of the year, the wolverine is the big pimp daddy of the animal kingdom. Nobody messes with a wolverine. He is the leanest, meanest weasle-looking creature with the bad attitude:

"What you mean, you want this animal carcass, Cougar? There here belong to Daddy Wolverine, you hear me?"

In some respects, I suppose, the wolverine has a bit of a chip on his shoulder when it comes to bears, since one source suggests:

"If a wolverine was the size of a bear, it would be the strongest animal on Earth."

Yeah, buddy? Well it's nice of you to say so, but since the wolverine isn't the size of a bear, I don't understand what you are saying. I hope you aren't suggesting Wolverine Growth Hormones.

The truth is, we are damn lucky one of those wolverines hasn't decided to throw a coup against humanity! I mean, it wouldn't need to sleep, hardly ever desires shelter from the cold, and even "makes a Tasmanian Devil look like a sissy". We'd be in big trouble this chilly time of the year.

But, don't worry, it's highly unlikely that we need to worry about any wolverine takeovers here in Greensburg. Don't get me wrong, if any wolverine put her mind to it, she could own this town. It's just that we're too close to the equator for wolverine taste.

On Making Critique Groups Work for YOU!

John Warner, author of Fondling Your Muse: Infallible Advice From a Published Author to the Writerly Aspirant, writes:

“At some point, you will have to submit your own work to the group. While you know and I know that your stories are going to be light years better than anything they have to offer, the other members of your group might not be sharp enough to recognize this. Therefore, you need to tip the scales in your favor.

"First, rather than distribute your story on standard twenty-pound white paper, spend a couple of extra bucks and have it hand-boud and illustrated by Trappist monks. Your critique group will have a tougher time finding fault with a story that doubles as a stunning work of art.

"Second, hire a church choir to sing hymns of praises to your story – softly, in the background – as it is being discussed in your workshop. As your colleagues offer praise, the choir should break into louder exclamations of “Amen,” “Hallelujah,” and “Sing it, Sister!”

"Third, you want to create a disincentive to negative criticism. Prior to the critique session, kidnap one of the member’s pets or children. Have your hired thug hold the loved in nearby room. If a negative comment escapes, the thug will exert painful pressure on the loved one, causing an audible squeal. Soon, that group member will learn exactly what kinds of comments are appreciated and valued.

"Finally, make sure the food spread includes some delicioius, homemade chocolate brownies. Brownies put everyone in a more positive mood, particularly when they’re laced with top-grade hash."

Oh, man! If only I had read this sooner! My story's up for critique in class tomorrow morning (yikes!) and the church choir's all booked up. Brownies might work with the chocolate-flavored theme of my story... hmm...

Rap Snacks: A Linguistic Tasty Treat

Doc Wanz, this one's for you, g:

As I was browsing Big Lots this evening, I came across Rap Snacks! You know you are totally jealous, dude! And, score! I got some Back to the Ranch and Funky Nacho chips for 30 cents a bag! Woohoo.

Look at these things:

The back of Funky Nacho reads "Rap is a form of poetry that expresses the trials and tribulations of urban youth through music" & "Rap es una forma musical poetica que espresa las pruebas y tribulaciones de nuestra juventud urbana." Nice!

These are distributed out of Philadelphia in an effort to promote up and coming rap artists. I love the guerilla marketing feel of the campaign. Visit the website for more information: http://www.rapsnacks.com.

Write Aid? Write On!

Are you suffering from writing anxieties? Do you have the paper-writing blues?



Cure your writing anxieties with Write Aid!



This is to remind you that Seton Hill’s Writing Center will be bringing the Writing Center services to YOU this Thursday, February 16th in A502 from 4:00 – 6:00 pm.



Come and ask questions about your paper from start to finish: getting started, organizing, revising, and incorporating sources. Cure those pesky writing problems and give your paper a “booster shot” by bringing your materials to the event! Remember: attendees who pre-register will be eligible for the grand prize drawing.



If you have any questions or wish to pre-register, please contact the Writing Center by phone, 724-830-1080; through email, writingcenter@setonhill.edu; or in person, Room A502.