We were kids once, playing on the stairs, in the yard, down the slide.
We were young once, angry, frightened, scared.
Proud to run, ashamed to walk, far too much to do to take our time.
Doesn’t matter now, too little too late.
Only death is swift anymore.
We were kids once.
Paul it sounds like you are on your way to die a slow, painful death. But then again, you are an amazing writer and I'm probably just missing something huge in your fiction that is totally beyond me. Anyway. Good Job!
Tiffany
Posted by: Tiffany at January 29, 2004 6:45 PMGee it almost seemed like you had a soul there for a minute. :-)
Posted by: Amanda at January 29, 2004 7:20 PMPaul,
despite the fact that you talk of death, this is really good. There is just something about it. Anyways, keep up the good work. You are a good writer. :-)
I'd say it is lyrical. I remember you talking about how you are writing song lyrics. Keep doing that, you'd fit in with all this EMO perfectly. PS-EMO has a bad rap, I dig the stuff, just incase you thought EMO was an insult.
Posted by: Puff at February 4, 2004 10:36 AMNice, Paul. I like it. It's deep, and pretty meaningful. More poetic than anything else, too :^)
Posted by: Karissa at February 7, 2004 1:25 PMhey,
your flash fiction is good, it's deep and profound too, it sounds like your portraying death as a bad thing, remember, in death, life merely changes...
It's funny... Michael thought of death but I
Thought age was mostly what this poem explores.
I see his point: one age is simply death.
Paul's "far too much to do to take our time"
Is stretching thoughts across a lenghty line.
That makes me edgy -- which is is good, because
It emphasizes harried rushing sounds
Suggesting futile actions all for naught.
The fourth line lacks the vivid, concrete words
That grab me by the heart and make me think.
The fading motion of the ending works,
With shorter lines suggesting shorter breaths.