Greensburg PA- A local scientist was browsing the net while driving to work one morning when he claims to have stumbled across an old, abandoned Myspace page. This discovery, if validated, will be one of only 10 remaining pages left in existence today, and according to unnamed sources at Seton Hill University of Internet Sciences, could expose the true reasons behind the almost complete depletion of both public and private schools circa 2300.
Though several prominent scientists at the competing University of Saint Vincent claim that the site is a flagrant forgery, the official declaration thus far seems to be that the relic is genuine, causing quite a stir in the scientific community.
Official reports state the name of the page to be “Black Tears at Midnight,” and it contains, among other things, an official log of an apparent 18 year olds decision to drop out of an antique public school. In a private interview, Dr. Dennis Jerz VIII of Seton Hill told The Post that 8 out of the 10 existing pages contained remarkably similar accounts, possibly linking the overuse of sites like Myspace to the decline and eventual demise of almost every type of organized education.
After the Reynolds Administration passed the bill declaring pages like Myspace unconstitutional in 2344 and initiated a new online schooling program, education began the slow rise and expansion to how we know it today. On top of this striking new evidence, the site also contained an array of badly written poetry, proving just how decrepit the lack of education had become. According to Jerz, the fact that Myspace allowed young men and women to showcase this lack of education as if it was a positive trait was what put the final nail in the coffin of 24th century education .
If scientists can continue to unearth enlightening historical documents such as this, then the true cause of the Great Educational Depression cannot possibly elude us for much longer. Perhaps by learning of our past through these continuing breakthroughs, we may be able to locate the key to preventing such a travesty from ever occurring in the near or distant future.
September 2006 Archives
An article wrtten about finding a long lost email as if it was a fossil. How clever. No, really, it was original and witty and funny. The point of the article was obvious, and it was well written, but for creativity? Comon, it's been done before. If The Onion wants to keep a reader base with an IQ somewhere above room temperature they're really gonna have to step it up in the next couple of months. Seriously, my 90 year old great aunt could have written a better article. And she's dead.
As long as there are 13 year old girls pretending to be 18, there will always be a niche for Myspace (or at least a reasonable facsimilie thereof). It doesn't matter if a new page pops up that has the same purpose, the concept remains the same. Just as AOL instant messanger made ICQ all but extinct, some other page with "new and exciting features" will probably do the same for Myspace. The point is though, that it wont make one bit of difference. Now that we live in a [mostly] internet saavy world, the internet needs to cater to 13 year old girls and fat kids who can't make friends the boring old fashioned way.
In theory, at least, Myspace will live forever.
All puns aside, I really believe that Castro had good intentions when writing this book, but as so often happens these days, those good intentions seem to have gotten lost in all the random pictures and screenshots. It might be just me, but for some reason when I have to go through four pages of explanations and screen shots to make my screen blue, I start to feel like I'm chasing a twinkie suspended just out of my reach.
I was actually writing on Erin Waite's blog that I once had a more helpful book entitled "Build Your Own Webpage, A Children's Guide to HTML." It had a picture of a cartoon mouse eating a giant piece of cheese on the front, but sure enough, it helped me (so far) much more than this book has. Hopefully once we get past the basics Castro's book will get a bit more usefull
Students, as a whole, are a rowdy group of ungrateful little turds. There is no doubt that Professor Swissler made the wrong move in sending a nasty email to that group of students, especially when she had the option of resorting to physical violence. I mean, if you're going to perform an act which might get you fired anyway, why not go all the way and just show those kids whose really boss?
I had a Latin teacher in high school who jumped over a desk and slapped a kid right in the face, and let me tell you, for that last 30 minutes or so before he got canned, there was never a quieter, more well behaved class.
Let me regress. For the vast majority of you that probably didn't realize the above paragraphs were jokes, let me make my opinion perfectly clear: violence, whether verbal or physical, in Swissler's situation probably wasn't the way to go. She had other options, and she shit the bed, thus deserving to be fired.
What about in other cases though? Like all those smelly hippies out there that constantly quote "violence never solved anything!" It seems to me that violence has actually solved a whole lot of things. I mean where do you think we would be right now if our forefathers had sat down for a friendly game of parchesi to decide whether America got its freedom? Certainly not in a free country, since everyone knows no one can beat the English at parchesi.
What I'm really trying to say here people is that violence is like that answer you picked on all the questions you got wrong during the SAT's; it's right and it solves the problem, but there's probably another way that solves it just a bit better. Think about that.
Seriously, I should have my own show.
There are some things which you think would just be clear to the majority of the internet saavy population. We hold these things to be self evident, easy, and completely obvious:
1) If your potential employers name is "Mr. Daniel Rather," you cannot start your email with "Yo, Mista D., I've heard great things about you." You can, however, kick yourself in the face if you've ever even started an email to a friend that way.
2) Your potential employer does not care if you happened to be making a winky face while you are writing him or her an email. In certain settings this may even be construed as offensive. ex: "Wow Mr. X, you really nailed Mr. Q during that presentation last night, maybe we should discuss it more later! ;-)
3) Though AOL is the creater of the most popular instant messaging program, using repeated LOL's in your resume will not impress them when you look for a job. I promise.
Remember back in the old days when a bad record or a certain misdeed could get you blacklisted from the entire working community? Keep that in mind when writing a professional email...no one wants to hire someone whose only skill is Instant Messaging.
"But I'm profficent in both AIM and ICQ!!! LOL!!11" will only get you so far. Also, don't underline or italicize words you dolt, not everyone reads the way you think.
Is this what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with...sending everyone on your friends list that three page poem about black tears that you wrote last night when your hamster died? Posting a picture of just your eye and part of your forehead as your main picture on facebook?
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? What happened to real face to face conversation? AOL set out the bait, and America's youth swallowed it hook line and sinker. Hands down, I will always remember the sound that aim makes everytime someone new signs on. Seriously, we may as well have another drink and drive ourselves home at this point, because emo is taking over. First there were chatrooms and online conversations, used at intervals and fun to a point. Now, on top of this the internet has turned into one big dashboard confessional (no pun intended), with everyone sending all 300 of their "friends" bad poems, crappy pictures, and a list of exactly what they've done in the past week.
This is the first song on your mixtape, and its all downhill from here. This is a lesson in procrastination, and America's youth has learned it without prejudice. If kids can feel important just by writing bad songs about crying black tears, then what reason do they have to actually accomplish anything in eral life?
Today we find ourselves writing more postcards than hooks, reading more maps than books, and the only one we have to blame is Tom. (yeah, you all know who he is). The internet forces us to think in decimals and dollars, and is the root of all our problems.
What good is screaming infidelities if no one's listening?
If Chuck Norris was president, none of this would be happening anyway.
Sometimes I wish my gras was emo...just so it would cut itself.
