HD TV is Just Another Way to Make Men With Small Penises and Big Wallets Feel Better About Their Mundane Lives.

So about two weeks ago I started work in the electronics department of Target. Sad, I know...but rent must be paid. Anyway, we sell a shit load of TV's, ranging in price form forty dollars to about seven thousand, and you can always tell when an over-paid and probably under-endowed "business man" is trying to make up for everything lacking in his life.

You know the type I'm talking about...a starched Armani dress shirt tucked into a pair of pants that they took home and re-ironed on their lunch break, just to make sure they stayed creased all afternoon. They undue the top button of their collar and loosen their tie just a little to make sure you know that they've been hard at work behind their desk in the third cubicle on the left all day long, and that this stop is just one more annoyance on the way home.

And yet rather than just buy the biggest, clearest, flattest, crispest, most expensive TV they can find and just get it over with, they spend the next forty minutes talking to me about which televisions are better for which reasons, all while not-so-subtly implying that money is no option.

People like this make my night, because I wouldn't have to know a plasma TV from a backstocked Alanis Morriset album to provide what Target likes to call "unparralled customer service." Invariably, I tell these customers the same thing: "Well sir, the higher you go in price, the better quality you're going to get. If you're looking for top notch, I'd say this 52" flat panel Magnavox High Definition TV for $6,999 dollars is probably your best bet."

"Hmm, you don't say. Well how would that television compare to this less expensive, smaller, cheaper brand?" [read: I'm going to buy the magnavox eventually, but I want to make sure everyone around me thinks that I'm an informed consumer who only spends his "hard earned" money wisely, after testing all my options.]

"Well sir, that that TV doesn't have a built in DVD player, or HD...if you're going to spend that much money, you might as well upgrade to the next step." [read: I hope you choke on your steak at dinner]

45 minutes later, after discussing every TV we sell and when a large group of other customers has gathered in the department waiting for assistance...

[patronizing and loud] "Well son, you've sure convinced me, I'll take it! (as if I had actually made a cunningly reasonable argument as to why anyone should spend seven grand on a TV) "I'll just pay now, then you can have someone bring it on out to my car!"

Thanks, asshole. Now, rather than helping customers that don't suck, I have to go to the back room, get your ego boost for the night so you feel better about your pointless life, and bring it out to your car.

You're the type of person who buys an Xbox 360 and then plays nothing but Ping-Pong and WarCraft on it.

"But Paul, the graphics are so good, and Ping-Pong and War-Craft are fun! LOL!!1"

Sadly, none of these people seem to realize that you can buy an entire ping-pong table, two paddles, a 6 pack of balls, a used Desktop computer, a copy of WarCraft the PC game, and even a cheap hooker to play pong against you all night for the same price as the 360, two controllers and two games. And regardless of what you say, real life still has better graphics.

And seriously, who cares about graphics anyway? What happened to the days when gameplay was all that mattered? Text adventure games and the original Mario on a 15" screen are the only video games I need, and I can get those for cheaper than the gas you bastards spent on the drive to target.

Also, if you have seven grand to blow on a television, WHY WOULD YOU BUY IT AT TARGET IN THE FIRST PLACE???

I hate all of you.