February 5, 2004

God's Bowling Alley

Ok. I wrote this poem as a start to my creative writing paper for Dr. Jerz's Intro to Lit class. Some people have already told me that they think I should revise the poem to free verse. My problem is that I am not a free verse poet. I love rhyme and meter, but perhaps some of you could give me a hint as to what I need to do to make my rhyme and meter better, or even if you think it's great the way it is, but just minor things need changed. Please let me know before I continue writing poems that will go along with my theme...

The day was sunny in the valley, but clouds were floating in,
I was lying beneath the yellow sun and could feel the prickling of my skin.
The tingle of heat was all about us in the wide-open skies,
It was so intense that I had to cover my head and protect my helpless eyes.

Soon it grew dark, and the air became chill.
I struggled and wrestled with a mighty battle of will.
"Come back Great Giant and keep them at bay!"
I yelled to the land so many miles away.

Up in the sky a battle was raging.
The giant was hidden and there bgan a great scathing.
The earth below was caught in the center,
And the creatures around me took up a canter.

Running for shelter, I looked over my shoulder,
When down from the heavens rained the small boulders.
Attacking the trees and grasses still exposed and cold.
I wondered, what will happen to them? What does their future hold?

The sky was brightened by Lightning's never ceasing flashes,
Thunder answered with loud and laborious bashes.
Wind entered the scene and blew everything about.
"Stop this madness!" I said with an incredible shout.

I looked at those about me, their day in shambles.
Parents holding frightened children, who were speaking in rambles.
Among them I heard one child say quitely to his mother,
"Why can't I go out and play with my brother?"

"Because, my son, God is outside bowling today,"
The mother replied in a reverent way.
"You see the lights high up in the clouds?
Those are the bowling balls in each of His rounds."

It was then that the thunder crashed from above,
And the child cowered into his mother's embracing love.
"Do not be afraid of the echoing booms,
They are just strikes and the sounds simply loom."

"Mommy, do the Angels play God's little game?"
The child asked, slowly forgetting his pain.
"Of course, my darling, they are the wind.
Their clapping hands are exclaiming His win!"

It was then that the wind began to subside.
The thunder grew distant and the lightning went to hide.
The clouds spareated, and the sun streaked the sky,
Then there, clear as day, was a rainbow on high.

We all stood with wonder and stared at its beauty.
"And there my child, we see God's everlasting duty.
At the end of His game, He always sends a sign,
Thanking us, His children, for lending Him our time."

I looked at the woman with the utmost respect.
Now to you I ask that you gently reflect.
What stories have you of God's Bowling Alley?
I will certainly never forget what happened in the valley.

I know it's kind of long, but I hope you enjoyed it. Dr. Jerz if you are reading this I made some changes from the copy I handed in in class today. Hope they make more sense. FEEDBACK IS WELCOMED AND WANTED!


Posted by Tiffany Brattina at February 5, 2004 1:38 PM

Hey man, I liked your poem. It made me happy, yay! I'm not sure if I'm a huge fan of the rhyming, but thats just me. But overall, very good job!! (aren't you proud...i'm posting!!)

Posted by: Amy at February 5, 2004 1:49 PM

Some suggestions, Tiff. Please do not take any of these things the wrong way.

I like the overall theme of the story very much, but the rhyming scheme, as you said before, does not work in some places. You may want to alternate a free verse for a rhyme stanza in various sections to apply emphasis and create a more tightly written phrase (some words, like in Coleridge's "The Raven," seem to be filler in order to keep the scheme going).

In some places, the wording seems incredibly similar to prose--let the reader draw meaning out from their own minds (ie. not saying a poem is about laundry, and allowing Puff to think of popcorn). Spelling everything out causes the reader to take your message at face value, without any reflection. I like your theme, but God's wrath and grace is the only one I can find in this poem, because I am not persuaded by the language to analyze it more thoroughly.

I do love your use of quotes. They show me. However, writing "frightened children" does not make me feel their fright. Something like "tear-streaked visages" or "wet, wide orbs" might make the reader more attuned to that frightened reality.

Less is so much more. I enjoy your poem, and after all, this is a first draft. I am anxious to see the final copy. :-) Keep writin' girlie.

Posted by: Amanda at February 7, 2004 4:04 PM

Publish the final draft of this!!!!!

Posted by: Amanda at February 13, 2004 10:35 AM
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