In Invisible Observer I noticed this passage: “…the motion from “I” to “you” is helpful, but the reporter is about as invisible as a guy with a bag over his head.” The context is implied to any situation where Gus Griffin is writing “one.” Even worse, he directly injects himself into the story, going from hazy to totally visible. “I asked” and “I decided” go directly against the Invisible Observer’s rule as follows: “too personal and self-referential.” It doesn’t allow the reader to fall into the story as the outside person they are.
Setting the scene is a good start, but Gus didn’t hook me or tell me anything about his article’s contents. If he cleverly reveled the bloody murder in the middle of this lovely walk I would be far more interested and understand the article far better. Lay out a time line better, seeing as “found this morning, as of this afternoon” is confusing.
Finally, don’t push any blame where there isn’t any solid evidence. “Slyly casting suspicion” does just this, putting the cop that is most likely doing his job with a thorough investigation in a bad light.
Source: Invisible Observer